i have a bad feeling
that this will end in
another one of those times
where someone looks at me
with a concerned dopey face and says
"is this really the right place for you?"
and i will smile and forget they spoke

and indulge in their nervous expression
trying not to hurt my feelings
or break my spirit
because what they don't know
is that they are
powerless

for only i can do that
and not get away with it

This Life

im tired of explaining every piece of
wear and tear
on this rapidly aging body
that i treat
like my worst enemy.
holes in my brain
bruises on my thighs
bloodshot eyes
a handful of jagged straws for hair
ash smoke under my pink chipped nails
dull ache in the head
lips chapped scabbed
my nervous habits are so visible.

im tired of doing damage control
empty "im sorrys"
when i piece together
segments of a night
acted out by someone else in my body
thats not me, thats not me, thats NOT me.
big mouth, beer belly, bad memory
thats not me,
and that never happened
and im sorry

why am i so special?
everyone makes mistakes
but mine are unforgivable
mine can
break
hearts, ties, glass, friends
they keep me alone
never leave my head
mistakes that weigh on shoulders
until i cant walk any further
im left behind alone

correction: independent right?

im tired of pulling myself out
of a dark reverie
day after day
and its safe to say
this has nothing to do with the weather
listen and repeat out loud:
i wont waste my time being sad or angry
i will be something someday
i will be better
i will prove them wrong
i am bulletproof
i am beautiful
i am worth it

and i deserve every second of this life
right?

hmmmmmm

c'est la vie mentality can only be packed into my brain for so long
it hides the truth, repels whats real.
truth: i think about it everyday
nights smothered in cigs and drinks
i shrugg and sing and dance it all away

sing so loud so i drown it out
sing so loud to drown it out
dance so hard that i cant see straight
dance so hard i cant see straught

i know quite well that you can never go back
but i want to so bad that i can help but imagine
back to the first time i saw the ceiling breathe
waking up to a new set of skin in my bed
new love adrenaline that stayed in my head